sixteen personalities

after sixteen days, will you feel disappointed in me?

I don’t know how many times i’ve taken that personality test.

“ugly” (2024) by this gal right here

you know, the one that tells you your personality type out of a fine menu of 16 possibilities? I took it for fun several names, and then it was also an assignment in 9th grade for my health class. (really an excuse for my teacher to sit on her desk and drink her “tea” in her thermos and look at cute dog pictures on her phone instead of teaching us anything. a win-win situation). I was ecstatic to learn that I was an enfj like monica from friends; i’ve always loved her character. all my acting classmates were shocked, because i’m typically quiet and “enigmatic”¹ in acting class—I was the new kid and treated my art very seriously, not talking too much unless I had to perform or answer a question or otherwise had something meaningful and substantial to contribute, and no, genital jokes and making fart noises don’t classify—so they assumed I was a really intelligent introvert.

this always bothered me for some reason.

maybe it’s because i’ve firmly answered AGREE to the statements “you usually prefer to be around others rather than on your own” and also “you feel more drawn to busy, bustling atmospheres than to quiet, intimate places.” I’m just reticent around people I don’t know well who do know each other very well! that’s as deep as it gets!

and believe me, acting class was one busy bustling zoo of a place, with tigers and monkeys being loud and hyper-energetic all the dang time, which was good chaos I passively enjoyed…because I was but a cute lil bunny. really, I played a bunny in our animal acting exercises.

anywho. my conclusion is that i’m more complex than a single personality prescription on an online test. i’m an interesting introverted extrovert if you get the chance to know me. but that’s not the point of this rambling. the point is this: since 9th grade, my answers to the personality poll have changed many times. I guess that means i’m changing and evolving as a person, how terrifying!

yet there’s one question that always momentarily takes the breath out of me. one question for which my answer will never, ever change:

when someone thinks highly of you, you wonder how long it will take them to feel disappointed in you.

I place second at a competition. good but not the best. the question is this: do I compete again next year, and take the risk of placing first, third, or not at all? what if the truth unravels itself: i’m not as good as they think I am. they’ll take the spotlight off me if my performance isn’t on par with the bar I set for myself the first time, right? or wrong? I hope i’m wrong.

regardless, I need to work on perfecting my "gracious loser" face.

I stare at the mirror often and think: what do others see in me? I look pretty friggin hot right now. but tomorrow, what if my face is all bloated and acne-y and ugly? what if I was chosen based on a particular reflection of “me” I presented at a particular moment in time. what if the mirror is nothing but a clever deception. what if it’s all a distortion. a perception through the door peephole.

i’m not consistent, and that’s human nature, sure, but a detriment when it comes to performance-based activities. I put in the same amount of effort, but sometimes luck is on my side and a conversation just flows or a line just hits differently with a particular person in a particular setting. so maybe the person just likes the “lucky” me? does that make sense?

a pleasure to have in class. you light up the room; a joy to be around. you’re a star.

lies. lies; lies. lies.

technically speaking, they are conditional truths; TRUTHS*, truths with an asterisk because they are not always true. if they are not true, when will these kind allegations about me become a lie? at 2pm PT? on tuesdays? on every other tuesday? on tuesdays and thursdays when i’m in my super hard and stressful policy analysis class? on april 3rd? on april 23rd? in sixteen weeks? sixteen months? in sixteen years? never, because i’m simply overreacting? I wonder.

when someone thinks highly of you, you wonder how long it will take them to feel disappointed in you.

I just get shivers down my spine reading that. don’t you?

being regarded so highly comes with an immense pressure, an invisible backpack you carry on your shoulders along with your real backpack full of textbooks and plays and physical stuff to prove you’re an intellectual who’s serious about your craft.

anyway. it’s a hard AGREE. the big circle. that one.

this doesn’t apply to my parents, by the way, because i’m 97.32% sure i’ve already disappointed them enough lol. heck, you should’ve seen the look my mummy gave me when she walked by at me typing away on here. (I was supposed to be studying for the lsat).

but I like to remind myself that the right people will always have my back, even when i’m not perfect. cause i’m not. i’m a messy messed up not-so-little little girl. hence, my answer to this question, the last question:

cause, you know, I can’t be one hundred percent certain. that’d just be cocky! ◈

- brought to you by the beautiful mind of the kind sweet talented sorta semi-confident girl next-next door

1. once described, and I quote, as a “box of chocolates—you never know what to expect. [and now deviating from the iconic quote]…specifically a chocolate with strawberry filling.” honestly, I think that’s the best compliment(?) i've ever received and could ever ask to receive as an actor. I adore strawberry filled chocolates